dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
