I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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