Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
