Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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