I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
