I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
