I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
