And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
