I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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