you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
