i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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