In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
