fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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