Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
