Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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