Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
