respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
