Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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