im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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