if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
