I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
