these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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