Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
