she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
