I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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