There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
