On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
