Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
