Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
