if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
