....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Randomize
