So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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