sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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