he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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