I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Can I color on your dick again?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
