Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
