Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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