Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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