The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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