using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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