It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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