That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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