Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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