I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
