I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
