____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
