just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
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I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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