Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
That reminds me...we need to get swords
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
