***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
