Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
