YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
