I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
